Sometimes I feel like a little, translucent jellyfish, alone in a deep, blue sea.
And then other times, I feel like an unsuspecting ragdoll being shaken suddenly by a dog.
Unnamed emotions flip around inside me like tiny, violent, disoriented gymnasts. I might need to go #2, and will likely stay in the bathroom for a couple days. Actually, forget that- I may just play it safe and not poop for a week.
I’m nervous. Not hungry. Endlessly famished. Nauseated. Pop-corn is pinging against the inside of my skull, and it seems as if very little gray matter is still intact. I’m sad. Down. Depressed. Hot. Cold. Hurting. Numb. Explosive. Smartass. Quiet. Aggressive. Defensive. Afraid. Alone.
Needing to be heard, known, understood. Needing to feel something at all, or not to feel so much. I think I’m needing to undo some things, try again, restart. Learn myself all over again like a grownup toddler with a mentor: “Why the screaming? Why the hitting, biting, scratching? Why the silent disappearances and the deep down hiding? What can we do instead?”
This is not a pitty-party or a masquerade production. You are not my friend if you are gawking in grotesque entertainment or taking notes on pretty paper- there are no front row seats for sale here. Look away and walk on, and don’t talk about it. Please don’t try to fix me or my temper tantrum. I don’t know myself, and you are scary.
If you see me, hear me, know me, please hold me. Let me hear your steady heartbeat and feel your friendly warmth. Calm me down and hear my words, then maybe try to say: a little something quiet and a little something kind. Teach me how to hear the voices- how to sort and sift the sands, so that rather than smothering, I can laugh, and cry, and dance.
There are so, so many Sounds. Voices. Places. Things. Sometimes the world feels loud and lovely, but sometimes it’s just scary. A gentle stream in soft, warm green is nice. But sometimes your tone of voice and raised eyebrows have my insides tying knots. It’s not always a matter of feeling unloved, but it is always a matter needing of love. Your love, my love, God’s love. And patience.
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