Why do we feel trapped? Debilitated, stuck, ashamed? Like a child hiding their boo-boo out of some twisted form of shame or fear, instead of taking their wound to a caring parent who would treat the injury and prevent further harm.
I’ve observed this pattern in children, including my own, and I’ve experienced it myself and seen it in the lives of others. Fear entwined in shame, dominating and crippling us, or hanging heavily over our pasts.
One day, when I was a little girl around the age of six, I touched a hot pan that was sitting unattended on our stove. I hastily yanked my hand back and folded the burnt finger away beneath the others. Mom wasn’t in the kitchen at the moment, so I quietly snuck out and went to the bathroom unnoticed. Once there, I uncurled my fingers. Oh how it hurt! The burn kept stinging as if a piece of the hot pan had stuck to it. I decided that I’d definitely have to cover the spot, so I rummaged around in the bathroom closet until I found a box of bandaids. After carefully covering the burn and hiding the bandaid wrappers underneath some toilet paper in the trash can, I stealthily made my way to the dinner table where everyone was noisily gathering. On my hand was evidence of an injury, but hopefully no one would notice.
No one did notice, not for a couple of days. Though the sting of the burn nagged and increased, I was okay because at least nobody knew what had happened. Not until that dreaded moment when Mom noticed the bandaid on my finger and wasn’t content with my “oh it’s nothing!” answer. She helped me remove the bandaid.
When she pulled the covering off of the burn, she exposed raw, open, wheepy skin, and a wound twice as large and twice as painful as the original burn. I felt so ashamed, and I cried. Telling the truth of what had happened felt more painful than the burn itself, but once she understood the wound, she immediately took care of the burn in a way that would allow it to start healing.
Fear, shame, and hiding are companions that linger. They have their places- they are survival tactics. My question is this though: are your survival instincts, habits, and tactics trapping you in danger? Blinding you to the real danger? Deepening your wounds? Allowing disease and destruction to grow? Have they become locks on the door that traps you in the dark room with your monsters?
Stories of childhood fears and hiding are sometimes laughable, but the burdens most of us carry are not.
Be honest with yourself about your hidden wounds and the burdens you may now be carrying in secret. Take them to your Creator, take them to a loving friend or counselor. Bring light into your dark places. Remember that you are not your shame or your fear, and you are not your mistakes. Please don’t keep secretly hanging out alone with bad thoughts you think of yourself, damaging things that have been said or done to you, harmful things you have said or done to others, painful things you have witnessed, memories of people you have feared or thoughts of people you fear.
Do you feel trapped under a happy mask? Like you're locked away, unseen, in dark, lonely, fearful places? Remember the hope of the Gospel. Remember that Jesus redeems our futures AND our pasts. Tell the truth. Reach out. Be afraid and be brave. Let the light in.
Darkness doesn’t like the light.
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