Do you ever enter a social setting and want to fade away quietly, or do you ever find yourself in the apocalyptic aftermath of conversational blunders that ended all fun times? Or maybe it’s terror that you’ll drown in waves of insignificant verbal blips that don’t quite register. Then there are those of us who are only too aware that internalized thought grenades could at any moment launch from our mouths into groups of innocent bystanders, devastating our self esteem for weeks or possibly even months.
What is conversation? Is it listening? Is it listening quietly and nodding politely as self-important people express important opinions, tiptoeing carefully around social boundaries and their yellow tape, not to mention fragile, culturally crafted identities? Is conversation about expressing our own opinions or validating the opinions of people we respect? Is it about social networking or relational stability?
I’ve always known that conversation was not my personal strong point. Not only do the wrong words come out at the wrong times, way too many of them come out. Pair that with poor listening skills and the propensity to get excited and interrupt more often than is anywhere near respectful, and you’ve got an embarrassingly good picture of what Martha looks like in a conversational setting. What I’ve learned though, is that all types of people have all types of friends. Friends who love them and care about what they have to say, friends who listen to and engage with their expectations, experiences, and ideas.
I’ve been told how to have appropriate conversation (three brief comments at most, the rest of the time, just listen and nod), and what’s funny is how terribly boring it is. I’ve observed reserved personalities in a circle of friends, listening and engaging quietly in their minds. I’ve observed chatty personalities listening and engaging with excited interjections. I’ve observed both types of conversationalists interact in completely different ways in different social settings. I’ve also experienced and observed, and to my shame probably participated in, the obliteration of the vulnerable.
There is good advice, and there is personal preference. Society and individuals throw around heavy expectations, with very little understanding for diverse human personalities and experiences, with little real concern for how unique and dynamic every single personality is. So much anxiety and shame inducing corrective advice flows directly from another person or group’s subjective ideas of what enjoyable conversation is. Don’t get me wrong, ALL personalities need guidance and correction, and practical advice can help people grow.
I am convinced that our goal in conversation should be to know and understand each other, and to seek truth together. Conversation, in a way, is the doorway to the soul. Through conversation we glimpse the eternality of humanity. The paradox of unperceived giants in weak bodies. Love is expressed. Deep spiritual struggle surfaces from unseen places. Joy and hope shine out. True, unseen realities are given opportunity to speak into our material experience. When we close the doors of conversation, preferring instead to crack a window, wave, and yell “hey” at our friends as they pass by, we will be at risk of getting relational and spiritual paralysis.
Here I think it is necessary to acknowledge that many of us are behind closed doors, because often when we opened that door to others they came in and destroyed the house. Or people barged in uninvited, put price tags on what they found, and a “condemned” sign on the door as they walked out. Being known is a risky business in this world of broken hearts and twisted people. Many of us don’t trust ourselves to or with other people, because we have been both the victim and the perpetrator of emotional and intellectual vandalism.
Small talk can be easy. Blowing opinions can be easy. Listening silently can be easy. Staying home can be easy. Staying out can be easy.
Knowing others can be hard. Being known can be hard. Seeking truth can be a long, difficult journey. But there will be no deep, world changing love happening among us if there is no real knowing of each other. As long as we are more focused on preserving our comfort and opinions than in knowing the people we interact with, our relationships and social circles will not flourish. They will shrink and shrivel. They will not produce love and joy, because those things come when the door is open.
God gave us His Word. A long book, a long conversation, a long story of human grief and pain, love and joy. Why? To help us know ourselves. To help us know others. Ultimately, to draw us into knowing Him as we realize how truly He knows us. How deeply He forgives us.
Comments